Endless road

...It depends really. If I eat something before bed I can have odd dreams. Sometimes stress brings it on. My dreams are usually peaceful or violent enough to leave me shaking when I wake up. As I said it depends. I've dream a lot of things and sometimes I'm too tired when I go to sleep to dream of anything. Its never the same thing either, so I can't say there's any pattern to my dreams.

No I'm not. Frankly I don't care about religion. I have better things to do with my time and effort. So I doubt I'm superstitious. I prefer to believe we have the choices and possibilities to change all outcomes; that we are masters of our own fates. People can predict a possible outcome but it is up to us whether it comes to past. As long as we can fight on and keep walking, how things turn out is in our hands.

I like cooking. Its rather relaxing, and you can let your mind drift. Plus its food. You really can't go wrong offering food to others. Everyone likes food, we all kind of need it. As an exorcist with a parasite type innocence I need a lot more than most. I burn off a lot of energy because my weapon uses it. So I have to consume a lot of food to make up for what I've lost. Hence why I know how to cook. Because sometimes I'm the only one around and when I need to eat I need to EAT.

A lot of things make me laugh. It could be any one of those things that inspires laughter. A good game of poker, Rinali's smile, a joke Rabi told, maybe a smudge on a window... all within the right contexts anything can draw forth laughter. It just depends on person. But you have to remember there several kinds of laughter. ...Not all laughter is good. Sometimes its quite bad. It all depends on what is happening at the time though.

That's very simple. I play a game of solitare to pass the time. Maybe if I'm on base I go down and have a snack in the mess hall. Sometimes I exercise; depending on where I'm at it could be push ups, walks, or even lifting weights. Freeing a soul from an Akuma also helps out a lot. Anything simple that I can do to keep my hands busy and to be moving forward in some fashion really.

I remember what it felt like to stare at the one I loved as his life was starting to leave him. I can still hear his breathing as it rattled in his chest like a cold wind. His hand was so terribly frozen it seemed compared to how warm they used to be. That icey touch lingers in the dead of the night. I can hear his words as if he was dying again right in front of me. Its for him I walk on like he asked me. Its for him I will fight until there is no life left in my body because I promised him.

...He gave me a chance, and still worried about me even when he should have been concerned for himself. My world shattered to pieces and I felt like I was bleeding inside. It ached and there was no one to make it better, to hold onto. Just the grave that sat as still as the night sky on a cloudless night. Words etched into stone were all that remained of a living man above the ground. I tried to keep going, to press on like I said I would. But the grief I couldn't control it.

It raged out of control and all I wanted was to see his smile again. to hear him laugh again...to be loved and held again. I was selfish in my desires to not be alone. And it cost Mana a lot. The Earl...came to me when I was at my lowest. I think it was hunger and pain that made me so vulnerable to his words. They were the hope that I couldn't trust God with back then. It hurt worse than anything else to hear Mana curse me. But nothing was compared to when my innocence awoke...even worse? Mana telling me he loved me and to destroy him.

I know what drives people to accept the Earl's deal. Maybe attachments are wrong or something terrible. But I don't regret loving and still loving Mana my foster father. I just will never let anyone that close to my heart ever again.

Well for one your bloody questions. You're poking at me and wanting to know my life. Hell you won't leave me the hell alone. Don't you have better things to do? Like get shot by an Akuma? That's a pet peeve of mine thanks. Prodding me to open up. I don't see any damn reason to sit here and discuss what pissses me off, makes me scared, or whatever with you or anyone. Its none of your business. And yet you're not going to leave me alone until I spit out enough for you to be satisfied with.

How about these apples? Who the hell are you? All you've done is ask these bloody questions and never once answered any about yourself. Greedy much? ....FINE.

Another thing that makes me blow my lid is telling me I'm not trying hard enough. I do try my damnest. I try as hard as my body is able to! And sometimes? I push beyond that. Fuck human limits. If you push hard enough the body will follow your will. Until there's no life left I'll keep fighting and walking.

( spoilers for chapters 90-112 )

I'm not sure I want to answer you. What use do you have in knowing this much about me? I don't like you knowing this much about me. Its like how Kanda saw straight through me and made sure I knew how transparent my walls were to him. Its not a feeling I enjoy, and I hope he can't read me at all anymore. In any case you asked me a question and will not leave me alone until I answer eh?

I thought so.

My greatest fear? You tell anyone and I think I will have to get a tad violent. Standing still. I can't and will not pause or stop until I die. That's the only time its allowed. But if I stop before that day...I just can't. I promised. I promised!

...I stand by my earlier statement. You're very intrusive. I've never thought about this. Not really anyways. I like music, especially violins and piano. Both are very soothing, yet can express so much. That's what I think people have forgotten, how to express things without words. I know there are some people who show things through actions, expressions, and gestures. I think I get along better with those who don't say much anymore. Because I've stopped saying much myself besides what they want to hear or when something has to be said aloud.

...Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, I've been told it fits me before. I didn't agree with master at the time because he was drunk and telling me I'd die before I hit seventeen. After going back over it on the piano I can't say I disagree anymore. I was not a very happy person when I was little...well I was happy but there was a lingering ache. Its not something that could be cured, to this day some of it remains. After Mana I lost direction, there was nothing to hold onto. Then master stepped into my life...after I made a very big mistake.

After a few years with master things were fairly evenly balanced. I didn't have much to be upset or happy about. But after I put on the black coat...things changed and did so very fast. Its been a blur of constant movement, dance step after dance step to keep up with the flow of life. Not that I have trouble keeping up, I was starting to slow for a bit but I've fixed that problem. ...I wonder if the others see it as dance steps or flowing with time's breakneck pace? I'm not sure. I certainly will not pry about it.

No offense but you're very nosy. I'm serious, why do you want to know that? Its a topic I don't have time for. If I had been born normal maybe I would think about it. But as it stands? I'm busier making sure not to come home in a crate. Or a million pieces scraped into a small box which is the more likely of the two options. Exorcists don't last very long on average, especially when they might be marked to be deleted by the Earl. So really, love? Not interested. Family? Never got it. Foster family? Temporarily had it. Possibility of having a happy family? More likely to be in a coffin before I hit twenty two. Romantic happy things? ...I once thought about them when I was small enough to not see reality. Then master promptly smacked it out of me with a small, round, black hammer. Repeatedly.
( read more )

...I..I don't know why you're asking me about family. I can't say I know what its like to live with the mother who birthed you or the father who sired you. They never gave me a chance, because of something I can't change. Admittedly if they hadn't cast me away I would never met my foster father Mana. He accepted me, everything about me. I couldn't have asked for a better person to take me in and raise me as his own. He was a very kind man who taught me...many things.

He always told me to keep walking no matter where the road was taking me. Its something I stick to even now years later. I used to hate my arm, that is different from everyone else's. That was sadly something he could only tell me quietly that 'God never makes mistakes'. It helped sometimes when people told me I was a demon child, other times I just didn't understand. But he was my world, everything revolved about him... Deep down maybe it still does, my hidden heart.

But as far as family that isn't blood related I know it quite well. The Black Order in a way is my family. We're from all walks of life, banded together for one cause. ...In other ways they are just nameless soldiers who live and die in this bloody war. Rinali asked me to share my burdens, that friends do that. I've never had friends before, until I met one while with master. That didn't end well. I can't agree with her, there are some things you have to deal with alone. Its better that way.

I apologised for yelling at her, but not for keeping things hidden. I'm not sorry for that at all. Opening up to others winds up in distaster and it will only slow me down. I can't afford to pause, I have to keep walking on. Whether she likes it or not.

That's not an odd question to ask. Especially since I don't know you. (I can't see you either which makes me curious.) I'm Allen Walker, your run of the mill exorcist. I'm not sure what exorcists are to you, but to me we're the black coated soldiers of the Black Order. Its our job to defeat Akuma and make sure the Earl's plans are thwarted. I've offically been an exorcist for...wow almost a year. Its amazing how time flies isn't it? You don't realise its going by until you glance at something that keeps time.

( Mild spoilers for vol 3 of the D.grayman manga )